Retracting Apologies

Since being in LA I have gotten to see a few friends. And even in the short period of time that I have been able to spend with them, I have noticed something consistent. There comes a point in the conversation where the small talk ends. We cut through the easy to talk about stuff and arrive on something hard. Something real. Something emotional. And then, usually a few moments into a conversation that really matters, something unusual happens. They apologize.

I used to do this all the time. In fact, I still do. I say I am sorry for going too deep. For sharing my heart in a way that isn’t “positive”. It has always been my thought that its not nice or cool to bring people down. It’s not really good to share what's bad. Its my job to take care of my own pain right? Work through my own issues and not trouble other people with them? But the more I think about it, the more I think that’s one of the lies I have been telling myself for as long as I can remember.

I'm not sorry anymore. Not for breathing, not for laughing and especially not for crying. It means I'm alive. It means that even though this world can be equal parts un-feeling and amazing, isolating and beautiful, I still have a pulse and a heartbeat. I am in this thing, experiencing it right now. And I feel honored when someone cuts the bullshit and shares their heart with me, especially the parts that aren't particularly pretty. It’s one of the most beautiful things we can do, let someone in. Let someone swim in our ocean. And by realizing that in other people, I am more able to realize it in myself.

So I would like to take back my apology. All the times that things have gotten intense or real, that I have “broken down” and opened up, I'm not sorry. Because it’s our gift to eachother. Permission to experience this life thing honestly, originally and unapologetically for the first time.