The Dawn
>> Saturday, September 5, 2009
They say it is always darkest before the dawn but I would like to add something to that. It is also coldest. Just before the sun comes up it is really dark and really cold. And if its been a while since you have seen a sunrise or you have had an especially long night, it can be hard to remember. Sometimes, just before dawn, it is hard to believe in the day.
I spent the month of August crying a lot. Spending time with friends. Searching my soul. Writing songs. And crying. I had made a resolution to experience the world more like a child and I got my wish. I wanted the wonder and the openness, the discovery of children. But I forgot that children are awkward and totally dependent upon those around them for support. I never considered that one of the reasons why children can be so petty (I remember it well in school) is because they are in such an ever changing space with life and themselves that it can cause erratic behavior. When you don't know what's next its easy to get scared and act strangely.
I think the point is that there was something really important for me to learn in this time. This really hard time. And its funny how once that thing came round and I was able to see it, meet it, sit down and have coffee with it- there has been a shift. Jobs are being offered, my good friend is coming for a month to visit, the heavens are seeming to open... but not until I heard it....
"I am Ok." And as I type this simple phrase the tears start to roll down my face. Im Ok. Not because I can do anything. Not because I can be anything. And when I am sad, frustrated, lonely, afraid- I have a right to it. I don't have to push it away and make everything positive. I am ok, just because I am.
There have been a cool combo of comments/conversations/ideas/moments that have helped this new level of self acceptance to crystalize for me. And the very effective catalysts of pain and uncertainty have driven the point home. But I feel like I just climbed a VERY steep hill. Cant wait to see whats on the other side of this ledge...
