Around the Corner

Berlin and I continue to have a very passionate relationship. My first Berlin winter has provided record highs of snow and record lows of temperature. Marion told me the other day that its the coldest winter in 60 years and the snowiest in 30. Everyone who is from here keeps saying, "It hasn't been like this since I was a kid."

And people keep asking how it is for me...

Its been cold, really cold. Its the kind of cold that makes you feel like you are in an emergency. Like everytime you step outside your only urgent mission is to get inside again, immediately if not sooner. The snow and snow rain and then the re-freezing brings a glass-like cover to the concrete that is virtually impossible to walk on without slipping. Apparently the german reputation for efficiency is overruled by compassion when it comes to the streets as they refuse to put down salt on the roads to avoid the neighborhood dogs from consuming too much and getting sick. Good for pooches, bad for people. Your nose burns with the chill and your chest hurts when you breath too deeply so you find yourself taking short breaths. All the while you are expending so much energy by doing the simplest things (like walking) and you're not able to give your body the oxygen it craves.

But today, the thaw began.

I remember my friend Patrick had mentioned how the winter is here. He had described it as "unfriendly" saying that people don't look you in the eye. I thought to myself that I would never be that way. But I discovered this winter that in addition to being so cold you can't even see straight, there is so much slippery potential that you are always looking down to make sure not to eat it on the pavement!

But today, I looked people in the eyes.

And it reminded me that the only thing consitant is change. The only thing I know for sure is that this is all temporary. So enjoy, press on, love, breath, endure, luxuriate, dance, move forward ~ always knowing that this too shall pass because there is always another season just around the corner...

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Ich bin...

The road to legal status in Germany is not an easy one. Im sure thats not a shock.

There are hassles with registration and health insurance. They want to see your diploma, your resume, your bank statements. They want you to prove that you really want to be a part of this place. I started the process in April last year and the Ausländerbehörde has had my full paperwork since July 2nd. Over the course of this process of trying to prove that I am worthy, I actually started to question whether or not I am . But after countless pages of paperwork in German, visits to the visa office, taking a number, standing in line, paying processing fees, visits to the insurance guy, buying the wrong kind of health insurance, buying some more, registering and re-registering my address, a million conversations that began with, "do you speak any english?", worrying and waiting...

I got it.

My visa.

On Jan 4th 2010, Berlin told me I could stay.

And after I did a little dance in the visa office hallway, so joyfully that my friend Marc literally had to pick me up off the floor, I knew what I had to do... currywurst. Something I have come to know as a Berlin speciality: sausages in a curry ketchup sauce with fries. I like mine rot/weiss (red and white- ketchup and mayo) on the side. I sat there with my victory meal drinking a Berliner Pilsner and breathed a looooooooong sigh of relief as I gratefully uttered the words:
"Ich bin ein Berliner!"

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Snowman

Ive been recovering from High School ever since the first day I started. All the un-natural social norms, the fads, the cliques, not to mention the fact that pretty much all the time pretty much everybody is talking about everyone else. And that feeling of being mis-understood, un-liked and outcasted sometimes carries over. At least it did for me.

I spent much of my early 20's trying to make some kind of social peace. With myself and with the world. I was trying to be everything to everybody so that no one would hate me, ever again. Although this is impossible, I did pick up some interesting party tricks along the way.

But now Im spending my not-as-young adulthood trying to let all that go. I am literally TRYING to look stupid. I am making an effort to be un-cool, to not understand, to be "out of it." All in the hope I'll find the me somewhere inside the perception.

So the other day, I was a snowman. You read that right. A snowman. I got a random wake-up call from my friend Patrick asking me if I felt like working. The sheer randomness coupled with the 400 euro price tag had me bounding out of bed and running to the park.

We walked a good portion of the city. On foot. In the snow. With microphones and our very own musical "snow mobile" driving alongside us, we shouted and sang at on lookers and people we passed on the street. The cause was global warming, the place Berlin. And the whole time I didnt really understand what was going on. People would ask me questions, children would come up to me. There was a lot of pointing and laughing. And all I could do is smile and dance and tell them that my German isnt so good.

Truthfully, I didn't expect the feelings that followed. Over the course of the day I had aquired a whole new respect for costume characters- those freaking heads and bodies and misc accesories are heavy! And with all the walking in the snow, my feet were frozen for literally hours. But the strange thing was the emotional aftermath. After it was all over, I sat down and just cried. And you know whats weird- it felt like high school. There was alot going through my mind but I think one of the main things was the feeling of being "talked about".

I generally have a good sense of humor about this and just naturally asume that if people are talking about me they are saying nice things. Not because this is necessarily true but because it helps me to not live in a paranoid state. But for most of the day I was the epidimy of this current state of life I am in- goofy, confused, random- and trying to keep singing and putting one foot in front of the other all along the way. With the help of my lack of peripheral vision and a lovely patch of ice on the sidewalk I had fallen. Large costume and all- I totally ate it. "Snowman down!" But with the help of those around me, I got back up.

And so my first real exercise in my New Years resolution came in an unexpected way. I played a charecter but it got inside. It made me think about who I've been and who I want to be. Ironically by dressing up and stepping out I found a whole new appreciation for being in my own skin.

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