Taking Less Photos

It's not that Im not writing. Im just sensing a transition.

I started this blog 2 years ago. Wow, how time flies when you are turning your life upside down! And part of the purpose was to share the experiences, the changes and challenges, my highs and lows with a larger audience. It created openness, sharing and accountability. And it let me take so many I love who are so far away on an international adventure!

The other day I had a funny thought about my camera. I realized that often I have to step outside of my moment to photograph things. I have to separate myself from being truly present when I want to capture something. You know that feeling at a party. Its when you notice everyone is having a great time, or someone is about to do something funny and so you take out your camera to "remember" the moment. I have great pictures as a result of this tendency. But if you are standing outside catching the moment, you are not inside experiencing the moment. Part of me has been doing it for you, to show you my world. To give you a view inside my reality and my days. To explain to where I come from about where I am now. Its been my honor and my privilege. But now, its not where I want to be.

So Im taking less pictures. Im writing less blogs. And Im living a little more. Im working on writing copy for websites, Im working on writing a book. But most of all I am LOVING my life. The ups and downs of me remain. And my lessons aren't slowing only growing. My friend Gabriella used to say, "Life is a school." And even though my subjects are getting more advanced it seems, I feel more relaxed about showing up to class.

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Berlin-aversary

Its my Anniversary. Me and Berlin met 2 years ago. And I remember in the few days before my flight having this scary, full feeling.  A huge anxiety was collecting and looming in my belly. I had already bought my ticket. The trip was planned and everything was ready to go, but I remember thinking about canceling. Really considering it. I had this feeling that if I went, everything was going to change.

And it did.

What is it about a new place-new experience that allows you to ask questions? Somehow, no matter how old you are, if you are somewhere new, you are entitled to discovery. That is probably my favorite part of Berlin so far, the freedom I have experienced even and especially in my own mind.

So if you are thinking about going somewhere, doing something different and you are afraid....I cant possibly recommend it enough. Sometimes fear is an excellent indicator of what's vital. Sometimes its a kind of "True North" to point in the direction you should go. It separates the fact the and fiction and boils it down to pure instinct. Because when you do it, when you come face to face with that thing you feared most, you discover who you really are.

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Shakin but not Stirred

I used to live in a black and white world. I believed in my heart that I had a clear understanding of what was right and wrong, good and evil. And while in some ways, while things seemed a bit more clear then, I was miserable because this way of explaining my world just never seemed complete.

In an effort to "meet myself" Ive been walking this line for a while now. The line of discovering and creating. The line of accepting and changing, of allowing and directing. I've been taking a hard look at perspective and the power that it holds. Its that famous question, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

I have been trying to understand whether or not any of this is really happening.

I spoke with an ex the other day. Always informative, I came to see that, even after all this time I had really hurt him. And even after never meaning to, we had always had VERY different ways of seeing what was happening between and around us. We experienced it differently, we remember it differently. And I started to feel like perhaps there are no real "facts" in relationship, or perhaps even in life, just ways of seeing and experiencing things. This realization, once experienced, can take you in many directions.

I recently told someone important to me that I couldn't see him anymore. And the odd thing was that he hadn't done anything "wrong". He had been honest and caring throughout our time together. He had been a "good" man. But somehow, I had used my experiences with him to reinforce my insecurities. Somewhere along the way I had found a way to make a lovely person into a toxic force in my life. All because of perspective.

So today, Im leaning more towards the notion of there being very few absolutes, if there are any at all. The black and white of my experiences are continuing to fade into these amazing shades of grey which contrary to what I anticipated isn't bringing lack of clarity. Actually, it is making me feel very creative:

I want to learn

to paint...

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Book Cooking

I have had an idea for a while, an idea for a book. I recently asked a good friend to co-write it with me and she agreed. Its a collaborative piece that will hopefully include the work of several wonderful people I know. To be frank, the more I think about it, the more excited I become.

I cant spill more details just yet but all I will say is that after a couple months of development we have agreed upon a working title...

Edible.

Mmmmmmm, this might just be delicious!

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Resolving 11

If you've been reading this at all you know that New Years Resolutions have become important for me since 2008. Why? Because they have been turning my world completely upside down.

In 2008 I was desperately depressed, so I climbed a hill on a beach and I made a resolution to face my fears.
In 2009 I made a wish to experience the world as a child, shortly after which I visited Berlin for the first time and promptly followed my captured heart to make an international move with little more than inspiration to back me.
In 2010 I resolved to spend more time in my own skin and after 30 years of sporting a massive mane of hair, shaved my head- totally bald.

So when it comes time on Jan 1st to decide, I really have to think about  what I want, what I need and what I am making wishes for in the coming 12 months. But it is the belief, not the wishes that make these changes come true. So in the very spirit of what I have chosen I present these as my offering to a life worth building...a life I love.

In no particular order:
1) Remember this is all an Experiment
2) be Brave
3) Forgive Myself

Let the games begin...

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