Flying Away

Tomorrow morning I fly to Berlin. Yep, its a Delta flight to New York - two hour layover- then Berlin. It will be good to take the trip in a couple of chunks as I can never seem to sleep on planes. Even on international flights, where the booze is free.

I still don't have a job or any leads in particular on how to get one. I have minimal savings, some beginning German language skills, a generous place to crash for a bit, as much as I can carry in the number of bags that they still don't make you pay for on international flights and an interesting mix of fear and anticipation in my belly. These last few days in Denver have been a lot of questioning. A lot of wondering, "why am I doing this again?" But as I pack, I know. As I think, I know. As I write... I remember. Inspiration calls me to Berlin. The purest form I have perhaps ever encountered.

A friend asked me a few days ago what possessed me to go. "Are you just done with LA then?" And I thought for a moment before I answered him. "Sometimes you just know things. Know what you need to do next. And sometimes it would be more cowardly than sane not to walk forward."

So Im walking forward. To Berlin. For a month, a year, I cannot say. But something deep my center tells me that it is good. So here goes...

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Chasing the Sun

I spent the weekend in the South.  Alabama specifically, by way of Georgia. A little backwoods drivin’, a little sweet tea sippin’ and Ive been right as rain. The land for the most part is so flat and the civilization so very spread out. There is just so much space here. But one thing that struck me as we were driving across state lines- there seemed to be almost as many churches as there were trees. I swear there was a different church, different denomination, different quaint little building by the side of the road on what would be in the city, every corner. And I realized that in LA we too have a place where people go to worship. They come in to get their fix and you will find them on every corner.  We call it Starbucks. I guess everybody needs something to believe in.

The sun has been setting for about an hour now but it isn't getting any darker. The fading light of golds and roses, back lit against an azure sky remains constant despite the passing of time. And I am struck by the thought that in this instance I can only loose light by standing still. But as I keep moving, forward, or in this case backward, its as though I can conquer time itself. I am flying from Atlanta to Denver and tonight, I am chasing the sun.

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Resistance

I spent some time crying today. Im not confused. Just scared. Scared of what? Now thats the thing I cant quite figure out. I am 100% sure that I need to do this- this crazy going to Berlin thing is exactly what I need to do next.  And I know I have felt this way before. Its a terror that can sometimes be downright incapacitating. That anxiousness toward the unknown whenever a big change is on the way. I used to call it fear but now it has another name...

"Like a magnetized needle floating on the surface of oil, Resistance will unfailingly point to true North- meaning that calling or action it most wants to stop us from doing. 

We can use this. We can use it as our compass. We can navigate by Resistance, letting it guide us to that calling or action that we must follow before all others.

Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our souls evolution, the more Resistance we will feel towards pursuing it. 

Resistance obstructs movement only from a lower sphere to a higher. It kicks in when we seek to pursue a calling in the arts, launch an innovative enterprise, or evolve to a higher station morally, ethically or spiritually. 

So if you are in Calcutta working with the Mother Teresa foundation and you're thinking about bolting to launch a career in telemarketing... relax. Resistance will give you a free pass."

~The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. 

I remember a couple days before I flew to Berlin for the film festival I freaked out a little bit. It was just a 2 week trip but I didnt want to go. Scratch that, I was afraid to go. I knew it was the a good thing. A great kind of adventure during a good time in my life for one. But I had this crazy feeling about it. Somewhere deep down, I knew that if I went, I would never be the same. 

Change is hard. Growing sucks sometimes. And anyone who tells you differently is selling something. It is anything but comfortable. But much like working out, I know its that good kind of hurt. No pain, no gain- or something like that. Deep down I know that this is actually a good sign. My friend Zac called it. Sometimes we need people who will do that for us. Allow us to have our feelings but urge us to press on. Im lucky to have that especially today. Thank you Zac.

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Naming the doughnut

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mu02xUgE4k

The inspiration for my blog name.

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Making a doughnut

 "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." ~Lao-tzu

Sometimes I think that all the good quotes are already taken. I mean seriously, thats really good stuff right there if you can actually wrap your head around it. But the most beautiful part to me, at least right now, is not the journey, the thousand miles, or even the quote itself. Nope, for me, its the single step. Thats the hard part. Right now Im starting a revolution. Im turning my life as I know it completely upside down. How did I get here? Let me try to explain.

In January of 2008 I did something a little bit different. I drove to a beach that I had never been to before. I took a pad and pen out to the highest pile of sand I could find overlooking the ocean. I climbed it and sat alone for a bit. And gazing out on the setting sun I closed my eyes and made a wish to change my life. I could go into all the things that I am and all of the things that I wanted to change. I may share that later. But for now it doesn't matter. I sat up there and asked for change, from the ocean, from myself- from anyone listening. I didn't want just another list of New Years Resolutions- you know the ones you have every intention of pursuing until somewhere along the way they become a new list of spoiled wishes to pile on your regrets? I wanted real change.

I had been searching myself for months (maybe years) trying to figure out why I was so unhappy. I had been trying to figure out what was wrong with me- why I couldn't just "be OK" for any sustained period of time. And sitting there in the breeze something inside of me finally started to let go. The wheels in motion what I wrote down changed my life forever...

Exercise 3x per week

Visit a new continent

Only kiss people I would kiss sober

Find new ways to say thank you

Only drink good booze (whenever possible)

Commit to something outside myself

Practice Art often

Do something that scares me at least 1x per month

The year that followed was a wonderful adventure. My eyes opened. My perspective changed. But thats not what this story is about. This story is about a girl, a world and a doughnut. In less than a month I am going to attempt to move to another country. A country where I don't speak the language. With no job and no "prospects" to speak of this may seem like an ill conceived plan. Perhaps it is. But all I know for sure is that Berlin is calling me and I have bought my ticket. I hope you will join me for the ride.

~S

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