The Hunt

How does one maintain inspiration? I don't think its really natural to feel filled with a fire and passion for life 24/7. And if it is, it seems a lot of us are doing something wrong.

Everywhere I am, I am still with me. Thats the funny part about Berlin. Im stuck with myself. All my bad habits, self doubt and fears are here, with me, just manifesting in a new and exotic form. A change of pace can be invigorating and somewhat glamorous. It is sometimes vital. But now I just want direction. So, In a effort to turn the kaleidoscope upside down I have decided to do a couple things:

1) Find a reason to celebrate myself: to say "tadah!" aloud daily.
2) Choose some heros.

Trying to be open minded, I have shut off what I am truly drawn to. I have made myself moderately neutral and basically uninformed about most things I care about. Running around in some weird "should be doing" daze, I have been missing my life, spreading myself very thin between all the possibilities of my potential...

Its total bull.

I have been telling myself its OK for a long time not to get too deep into anything. I justify my decent into neutrality in order to become more understanding and therefore more understood. But in the mean time, I have been drifting further from myself. I dont have a favorite author, a favorite director, a favorite color. And its not about the choices because I know they will continually change. But its about the choosing them, giving myself the right and permission to love. Things. Concepts. People. And ultimately, myself.

And so right now, I need a job. I need an apartment. But most of all I need a hero.

Im on the hunt.

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My September

I spent the month of September in a virtual daze.

Zac planned a 4 week trip to Berlin to see me. A little piece of "home", "comfort", "familiarity." His flight arrived 30 minutes ahead of schedule at Tegel Airpot. The anticipation of finally seeing him after almost 6 months had kept me up all night and as I ran through the terminal (knowing I was late) I remember wondering if I were dreaming. His red beard and glowing smile caught my gaze and I thought to myself, "I know this guy!"
I took a deep breath.

We spent a bit of time in Berlin. With the jet lag and the fact that he really isnt much of a day person anyway, we didnt do much sight seeing. I introduced him to some of my friends, some of Berlin's restaurants and as many German beers as we could order. We flew to England for a week, rented a car and drove from Stansted to Hitchin to Aylesbury to London to Avebury and back again, visiting friends and having adventures, all on the wrong side of the road.
I closed my eyes.

When we got back it was crunch time. My visa extension was set to expire on Oct 1st as well as the lease for the place I had been living these past 3 months. The stress and general sleep depravation of the prior 3 weeks was a 1-2 punch I could have lived without. I was a mess. It was so good to see him and show him my beautiful city but I wasnt very present. It was as though all the anxiety that I had been holding onto finally collected enough momentum to emerge. I guess when you trust that someone will keep loving you in spite of your failings, its easier to let things out.
I exhaled.


So now he is back in the US. I am back in the swing of, well trying to figure out what it is exactly that I do here. I have some good ideas. I have some great friends. And Ive got a feeling that breakthrough must be on the way.

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Postage

Savannah and Sophie have been asking me to update my blog. And while techinically I am making good on that right now, I still do owe them a bit about what's been happening with me for the last month or so. Maybe something about my move, my trip to england, my visitor from the US. Something about that.Im happy to report that I am alive and I do promise to post something more comprehensive... very soon. In the mean time... how are you?

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