The Hunt

How does one maintain inspiration? I don't think its really natural to feel filled with a fire and passion for life 24/7. And if it is, it seems a lot of us are doing something wrong.

Everywhere I am, I am still with me. Thats the funny part about Berlin. Im stuck with myself. All my bad habits, self doubt and fears are here, with me, just manifesting in a new and exotic form. A change of pace can be invigorating and somewhat glamorous. It is sometimes vital. But now I just want direction. So, In a effort to turn the kaleidoscope upside down I have decided to do a couple things:

1) Find a reason to celebrate myself: to say "tadah!" aloud daily.
2) Choose some heros.

Trying to be open minded, I have shut off what I am truly drawn to. I have made myself moderately neutral and basically uninformed about most things I care about. Running around in some weird "should be doing" daze, I have been missing my life, spreading myself very thin between all the possibilities of my potential...

Its total bull.

I have been telling myself its OK for a long time not to get too deep into anything. I justify my decent into neutrality in order to become more understanding and therefore more understood. But in the mean time, I have been drifting further from myself. I dont have a favorite author, a favorite director, a favorite color. And its not about the choices because I know they will continually change. But its about the choosing them, giving myself the right and permission to love. Things. Concepts. People. And ultimately, myself.

And so right now, I need a job. I need an apartment. But most of all I need a hero.

Im on the hunt.