I have been a little stuck in my own head lately. Ever since my Deutsch Sprach course I have been feeling a bit more like a crazy person then usual. This communication thing is a big deal. There are basics, then there is nuance. While Im moving towards being able to handle the basics, I can still neither use nor even spell nuance in German. Its been said to me that the more languages you know the worse you become at all of them. Anyone truly multi-lingual will agree. But Im used to being good at expressing myself. And honestly, this is hard on my self esteem. Its hard not to feel eloquent.
Then there is culture and all the differences that come with that. I messed some things up lately, things I would have known exactly what to do about in the States. But I didn't know here. And I made the wrong call. For the first time Im starting to wonder if there actually is anything common about sense. Or anything that everyone "should" already know. Im trying to accept this. But its hard not to feel smart.
The work thing has been up and down. Say its about the economy, tell me its because Im in a place where I dont speak the language. But in the end, Im not used to feeling so dependent on others. For information, for help, for a place to lay my head. I am as prostrate and dependent as I have ever been. Im trying to look at it as a season, believing that something else must be on the way, that its always darkest before the dawn. But in this moment, I cant seem to move anything. And as odd as it seems, Im not unhappy, just a bit confused why in the external sense nothing seems to be "working". Its hard not to feel capable.
And at the end of this rainbow I am asking myself where my self esteem is supposed to come from. I feel sure that it should transcend circumstance. But beyond that, from where should it be derived? If its not about what's going on around you, then it is about what you do. And if its not about what you do then its about who you are. But these days the list of things that make up "me" that I've always known no longer includes the above. So what if Im not capable, smart, eloquent? What if those really arent me? What if there is something else, something more that I should base this thing on? Not my circumstance, and not the things about me that aren't always true. So what should we base our self esteem on? Think about it. Whats your list?
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