In My Own Shoes

In the beginning I thought the silence might kill me. 10 days with no words, smiles or gestures. But my reaction was strange...

I LOVED it.

Secluded on the girls side, there was no need for whitty banter, random compliments or chit chat of any sort. Not even, "excuse me" or "thank you" or "hey, those are great shoes". Strange how quickly my taste for these well-meaning fillers desolved. And for the first time I started to really see just how much of what I do, who I have become, is my response to conflict.

When I was younger I made a lot of enemies. This was sometimes achieved just by walking into a room. And in the combinative state of my young mind and my tortured social experience I made a subconscious pact with myself. I decided to be very friendly. Very versatile. Very complimentary and cool. And as I grew, this reflexive personality became so intertwined with my own that no one, not even me, could tell the difference between who I am and who I had become to stay safe.

But the me born of conflict is not the me that I seek and I saw in this silence an opportunity. To separate fact from fiction. To distinguish my defenses from my desires. To meet myself authentically. To be in my own skin.

The day before the silence was lifted I was nervous. I wasn't sure how I would be. Perhaps I would come out the other side a rude person. A shy person. An aloof person. Maybe with the crap of my past shelled off I wouldn't have anything particularly nice to say.

But then it happened.

Coming out of that silence was like being re-born. Dramatic but true. I felt like a little child. I could sing and dance and shout and laugh. But most of all I could look people in the eyes and connect. Just a little isolated time seeing me freed me to really see others. Sincerely. Authentically. Perhaps for the first time. And it was nice to know what I'm choosing. Who I am. And why I want to speak to you.

Its because you matter. Its because Im interested. Its because its true.

So, if I say I love your shoes now I know I mean it. Its because I noticed and I wanted to tell you. But most of all its because I have spent some time learning to love my own.